Where have all the Good Men gone?

Me again, still single, still ready to mingle. I don’t know what it is. Dating is next to impossible. Is it a New York thing? Is it my age (34 here). I’m super picky yes, but I mean come on, I’ve been looking for something for almost two years and haven’t found it. Just a moment ago I had a guy reach out to me on a different dating app, with whom I’ve already had a date about two years ago, have we ran out of people. Have I just said no to every man, and now I’m just going to review those that haven’t paired up yet?!

The moment I see signs of instability I run away. On my first in person meet up after talking to someone on a dating app I literally did just that. Literally runaway. Literally. But thats a story for another post. I’ve got a ton of these stories, though interesting and lesson giving, I kind of am like come on already!!! First of all its not easy finding a person that is physically a match; we all have our type/s. Once we find that person to whom we are physically attracted to we read a little about them through their profiles; if there is that option. A lot of the time peoples profiles are a joke, but lets say we get over that hurdle, right?! Now its the seeing if you guys click on text/ call. From what I hear some people complain that some people just want to continue texting, but not meet (hello catfish). I’ve experienced a couple of men obviously talking to several women at once. One of them was so bad at it, I mean if you’re going to juggle don’t be so obvious, its almost insulting. Then there were some that seeped through for me, but they are too broken to have a healthy relationship which is what my intentions are to achieve in this weird dating matrix of insanity.

So ok, Im looking for someone I find physically attractive. Someone sane, someone with a warm heart, someone that has their stuff together. Now I am mostly looking for men in their 30’s, can it be that the good ones are actually all taken. I mean really where are they? Where? Am I just destined to have all these adventures and not find something nice and comforting. Is it just not my path?

Well at least it’ll make for some interesting stories.. yay

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Welcome New Year, New Life

Here we go, time to start actually looking for apartments. Today was supposed to be the day I started but it is snowing out there. Like major snowing. Snow storm snowing. And so I get to stay inside another day. I’m trying to not fall back into being in love with staying indoors. Once I allow myself to stay in for a long enough period, it starts to get harder and harder to get me to come out. But it’s winter, I guess I’ve got no choice but to play by Father Frosts rules. Tomorrow I did set up some time frames to meet with a few agents. I’d really like to move by the 15th of January since now my mind is set on moving. Would like to get this gigantic task out of the way. I mean moving to me is as giant of a task I can undertake. I have to say I am dealing with it pretty well considering how I feel about moving in general. I’ve only got slight anxiety, not major at all by comparison to the past.

Things with the new guy are going very well. I like him. I like him a lot. I really am kind of surprised by this. He is such a sweetheart. I’m trying not to get too excited or hopeful, well because life happens, and you never know what may pop up. So for now I am doing my best to take it easy. I love his level of sensitivity. He is still very very masculine, yet he is in touch with his humanity, which I’ve found to be a rare enough trait in those people that I seem to tend to deal with.

I spent the New Year at a NYC bar in Chelsea with what I thought was a dear friend. A good thing and a bad thing came out of that. The bad thing that came out was that I lost this dear friend, as in we are no longer friends. The good thing is that I got to see this person for who she actually is. Honestly red flags were there. I was enamored by her charm and undivided attention that she gives to people when they are not yet close to her. Once people get close to her she stops this attention. She seems to devalue those closest to her and seems to feel entitled instead. Empathy is not given and she becomes annoyed at the humanity and needs of these people. So really to be honest in this sad occurrence of my loosing a friend, it really is a great thing. I got to see her for who she is. Someone that is looking to gather a quantity of friends. A cold hearted Narcissist who brushed off my needs while claiming hers were ignored. I found her letters to me dramatic, cold, and selfish. Thank you to her for showing me who she is beyond the beautiful mask I thought was her. Once we clear out the things that are not good for us we make room for new and fresh thing to come fill those empty spaces. I am thankful for this. I don’t want the room in my life and in my heart to be taken by those that are not healthy for me. As sad as it is to me, this is a great thing and a step in the right direction.

Thank you life for always guiding us where we need to be. I am looking forward to experiencing the next month and year. Learning more, growing more, and hopefully with Joy and positivity. Here we go, 2018 I am ready.

Just Do It

We are not to stay still

It’s a play ground ya’ll

Come, go get your fill

And we will feel real tall

We are not to waste this. Take advantage of this world. This is a playground, this thing we call life. This is a design for our spirit to learn, to grow. Wether we are happy or sad has to do with what we put our attention on. Sounds too simple. I hear ya. But really, that’s exactly how it works. Making it a habit and a lifestyle to no longer lend you attention to negative things. With time this lifestyle will balance out and leave you happy. It’s practice, it’s conditioning, it’s habit building. It takes 21 days to build a habit. It takes longer to make it a lifestyle obviously, but everything is possible.

Let’s stand up

Let’s Go

Shifts

So two things happened this week. The first has to do with the cracked nut shell. I told him I wanted to see him. He not ready to see me, made an excuse, and said “hopefully sometime soon, when our schedules match up”. And with that giving me the closure I guess I was looking for. And while I’d love something better as far as what a person can give as closure, something is better than nothing and now I can stop thinking about him. He made it fairly easy with that whole thing. Obvious lack of care, I don’t need that. So that’s a nice shift for me.

Then the guy I already went out on a date with two years ago that I mentioned a couple of posts back has made a reappearance in my life on my date this Sunday evening. I had a really nice time. Our conversation flowed and I can tell he’s a really nice guy. He can be really good for me. We are going on another date after the whole Xmas thing. We’re going to go skating. How super cute is that? Wish me luck!!!

The Multiple Levels of Perspective

I’ve got a thought, and am looking forward to how it develops by the time I am done writing it down here. The thought is about perspectives. I’ve spent my life taking certain subjects and putting my attention on them quite severely until I reach a point of satisfaction in my understanding upon the subject so meticulously looked on.

So lately, as I live my day to day life, where the subject presents itself I pay careful attention to it every time. Enthralled in acquiring more of this material to add to the files in my mind. Interesting I find it, this subject of perspective. How easy it is for each party to view themselves as correct in one way or another. Yes sure there are many variables, and everyone has their own objective, but who’s right? Right? I guess it’s one of those philosophical things that only really leaves the question explored but not answered in the best concrete way one would hope for. What I can now say is that even though there are so many variables, within the infinite different situations that can present themselves the answer to who’s right, again depending on each situation is that each individual is right to a certain degree, how small or large doesn’t matter, a degree is a degree. Each person involved has their own  point. The points are valid until they are not. This is for everyone. I guess the point that is seeming to develop is if you really think about it, there actually isn’t a concrete right and wrong. Our perspectives may be more or less right than the other person. Degrees.

I’ve spent a chunk of my life looking at how this was wrong and that was wrong only to finally realize those things I saw as wrong were a right from the other persons perspective. Life is just not that simple. And while I have this understanding now, it doesn’t change the reality of how things feel in the very moment as they are happening. To be human, it’s complicated, even if we want it to not be so. I guess the point to this for me is the acquired understanding that no matter our expertise in something, lets not take the assumption that we are 100% at all times, simply because we may be well versed in the subject lets say. The reality remains that you can not see fully from the perspectives of others. All we can do is try to do our best to work together and support one another, or at the least just let go a little and concentrate on what it is that can improve the current situation at hand. But hey let’s maybe have a less of a I’m right, you’re wrong mentality, maybe, just possibly there is more of a grey scale between the black and white, wrong and right.

The Cracked Nutshell

First Specimen. He’s a nurse. I loved his mind. His mind is vast, layered, beautiful and therefore confused and ill. I fell for him so hard. We had the most beautiful mental connection. He wanted someone to help him untangle himself. He never expected to care. He got scared. We also had an amazing physical connection. His mind murked it up. The mind talking so rampantly about everything that can go wrong. The result of course was that we stopped talking. He just ran away and wouldn’t talk to me. I was so hurt and heart broken I lashed out by calling him a coward over email. Over a course of several months following that I got to a much more peaceful mental place where I ended up just feeling sorry for him. Poor little scared confused lamb. I sent an apology his was for the harsh words. He finally reached out to me again a couple of days ago. Telling me my words were not harsh enough and that he is sorry he ever got me mixed up in his black hole of a world. Poor confused thing. He really sounds like someone that has settled for a reality where he will always be alone. I’m sure he’s lonely, but too terrified to let anyone come close. Last thing he said to me was that he is sure he is cursed. I haven’t said anything to that as a response. I mean I feel like I can talk him through that, but ultimately his mind is too stubborn to be able to see/hear the logic in what I would have to say. Do I just leave it as is?

The sex was so phenomenal though, a shame to let that go to waste. The only thing that keeps us apart is his mind… the mind I like so much.

I know he has anger issues.

I am certain he is a borderline personality.

But I still want him… He’s not stable and probably never will be, because his mind is too stubborn to make changes. Not making changes is easier, so that is the path he chooses. Remind me why am I into him again? Laziness and scardicatness have never been  attractive qualities to me…

Uprootment

Uh, so I just found out I will be needing to move from this lovely apartment of mines within the next few months. Something about them wanting to fix up the place because of piping and heating. I think they just had an offer from the new doctor occupying the medical office downstairs. It makes sense that he would like to live right above his new work place. As far as my personality goes, I really like to make myself a comfy home and bury my roots in it nice and deep. This brings me so much comfort, my little nest. Alas, this is life, and nothing is permanent, so I will have to just take this in stride and take my time and find myself the right fit. Just writing about it is making me feel better. Creature of habit I am, making peace with moving, something I am viscerally uncomfortable with. Loving that I am making peace with it so quickly; yay to evolution! Time for better things. Big plus, gigantic plus would be not having to deal with the landlord. I mean she’s as crazy and neurotic as one can imagine ;infinitely uncomfortable to talk to. My strong personality didn’t exactly allow us to get along very well. I’m not one to nod at bullshit. If its bullshit I will state that it is so. So ye this just wasn’t the best fit, and well on to the next one. Instead of sadness I am consciously making the decision to looking at this with a positive attitude, despite the fact of how difficult moving my roots  actually is for me. I can do this!!!!

I, New Yorker

Living Here, in NYC I do wonder where peoples humanity has went. Yes I’m no angel myself, though I do what I can to spare the feelings and hearts of others.

He was a writer. I fell for his mind. He shared with me his work. It was so pure, so honest, so vulnerable. But talking to him, you can almost swear it isn’t the same person that has written such work; work that has such depth into the human psyche.  I don’t really understand how one can be so different in who they are in the expression of themselves when alone and when with others. So in tune, yet so divorced from the humanity he so very well writes about.

Yes please, inspire me.. The emotional torment. The desire for connection. The lost and lonely among the dozens and hundreds of people surrounding us. Here in New York.

New York, I give you my heart. I’ve been wanting to give it to someone …. you hold on to it. I don’t want to hold it in my chest any longer, with it jumping with excitement at anyone I let near. To love too much.. to be so soft.. Not an easy task… being a New Yorker. One with out family, that is probably what makes it worse than anything else. This feeling of being alone in this world; New York of all places. Yet I love this city that hurts me so. Perhaps its masochism.

Yes actually it seems to be the case.

Welcome to my world. I woman with a warm heart that has on her this nostalgic hold. Pain has been my oldest friend, and it seems that I am unable to let go… Perhaps one day, but as of yet that day has not yet come, here I will share my experiences. I plan to stay anonymous. This way I can be completely honest and pure to my thoughts and feelings.